Alternative 'LOTR's

Today seems to be the day for literary parodies of The Lord of the Rings. First of all, Anita pointed out Jane Austen's Lord of the Rings:

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a Dark Lord in possession of a desire to rule the world must be in want of a ring.

"My dear Frodo," said Gandalf to him one day, "are you aware that the One Ring has been found at last?"

Frodo replied that he was not.

"But it has," returned Gandalf, "for I've just been to Minas Tirith to read the old records, and they told me all its history."

Frodo made no answer.

"Do you not want to know who possesses it?" Gandalf cried impatiently.

"You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it."

This was invitation enough.

But that was just the start. Later in the day, various sites hit paydirt, namely a thread on the Straight Dope message board where various posters piled in with versions by:

H P Lovecraft:
If I were to tell you the true story behind the unmaking of that ring…that ring!…you would think me mad. Horrors such as are scribed in ancient tomes of eldritch evil cannot compare to the terror…the cruel, cold, braincrushing terror!…that we felt in the lair of that foul spirit which raimed itself in arachnid form, that vile scavenger, that horrid arcane leech lingering at the border's of Sauron's Black Land…

Dr. Suess:
"Gandalf, Gandalf! Take the ring!
I am too small to carry this thing!"
"I can not, will not hold the One.
You have a slim chance, but I have none.
I will not take it on a boat,
I will not take it across a moat.
I cannot take it under Moria,
that's one thing I can't do for ya.
I would not bring it into Mordor,
I would not make it to the border."

Neal Stephenson:
Frodo, the Deliverator, belongs to an elite order, a Fellowship of nine members only. He's got esprit up to here. Right now, he is preparing to carry out his only mission that matters. His armor is silver like the light of the full moon, jangling only slightly with its decorative gems. An arrow will bounce off its dwarvenmesh weave like a hammer off an anvil, but excess perspiration wafts through it like the winds over the charred plains of Gorgoroth. All the arrows of all the hunters in the world couldn't cut it against this one.

When they gave him the job, they gave him a sword. The Deliverator never looks for trouble, but some Orc might come after him anyway—might want his armor, or his cargo. The sword is tiny, aero-styled, lightweight, the kind of sword a Hobbit would carry; it cuts quickly into load-bearing beams without visible effort, and when you get done using it around evil, you have to sheathe it, because it glows in the dark.

Frank Herbert:
"I am no longer Gandalf the Grey," the wizard intoned, his white stillrobes glistening in the day's heat. "Through the Trial of the Balrog I came close to death, but now the sleeper has awakened! I shall now be called … Gandalf-Muad'Dib, the Mithrandir, the Lisan Al'Maia!"

And that's just on the first page of seven (so far). Subsequent pages include such delights as a musical version based on Bohemian Rhapsody, and a truly terrifying version in "lawyerese":

COMES NOW, plaintiff, Sauron, to file this original Complaint, and would show this honorable court the following:

1. Plaintiff and party of the first part, Sauron ("Sauron") is a(n) (un)natural person, and resident and domiciliary of Mordor.

2. Defendant and party of the second part, Frodo Baggins ("Frodo") is a natural person and resident of Hobbiton. Co-Defendant and party of the third part Samwise Gamgee ("Sam") is likewise same.

3. All parties being properly diverse, jurisdiction is proper pursuant to 28 M.E.C. 1332. Damages far exceed the minimum jurisdiction of the court.

4. Defendant has converted and trespassed against the chattel and personalty of the plaintiff, namely, the One Ring ("Ring") and is liable to plaintiff for same.

5. Plaintiff would further show on or about the final day of the Third Age, defendants did intentionally cause the destruction of Ring while plaintiff was engaged in defending his business from hostile takeover. In the alternative, plaintiff pleads that the actions of the defendants toward ring amount to recklessness, gross negligence, and negligence.

6. As a direct result of destruction of Ring, plaintiff has suffered actual damages in the form of irreparable harm to his business and personal reputation, as well as direct and indirect loss of income. Plaintiff has further suffered from mental anguish, humiliation, and loss of consortium.

7. Insofar as actions of defendants were intentional, plaintiff further requests punitive damages in the amount of treble his actual damages.

WHEREFORE, PLAINTIFF, SAURON, PRAYS FOR: all reasonable damages above named; FURTHER, plaintiff prays for all additional relief in law or equity deemed necessary and proper by this honorable court.

Respectfully submitted,
Mouth of Sauron
Attorney for Plaintiff
Middle Earth Bar No. 734925639

Unfortunately I can't see an easy way to figure out permalinks to my favourites, hence the lengthy quotations above. I urge you to go and read the entire thread: it's simply amazing, and a testament to the creativity of literature geeks everywhere.