May We Have Your Attention Please…

I think Suw Charman had a bad day’s commute:

What the tannoy should have said

We regret to inform you that, due to years of chronic underfunding and shameful mismanagement, there will be significant delays on your journey home this evening. When the train does finally turn up it will be overcrowded and hot, and you may well feel ill within moments of boarding. If you do faint, don’t worry as you will be so tightly wedged in that you’ll be unable to actually hit the floor. London Underground Limited has absolutely no regrets about this whatsoever as we’ve been creaming off the profits for years now and have a nice little villa out on St Lucia to which we’ll be taking early retirement and our golden handshake very soon.

Normal service will not be resumed at any point in your lifetime or ours, as the system is in such a state of terminal collapse that nothing short of a miracle can save it. And we don’t mean the sort of ‘miracle’ that any mere mortal transport ‘czar’ can achieve, but a full-on deity-driven bells, whistles and chorus of angels miracle. We think you’ll agree that that is unlikely to occur. […]