The Bleak

February 14th, 2006

Mocking James Lileks. Such fun:


As I mentioned last week, Lorraine and my wife had been selected to represent Minneapolis at the 2006 Personal Trainer's convention in Cancun, Mexico, and Gnat and I were both really proud. My wife was so excited that she almost forgot to kiss me as she got into Lorraine's Subaru. "Mommy loves her girlfriend," said Gnat as the two of them pulled away, and all I could think was how sad it'll be when the public schools start punishing her for calling women "girls." Toddlers have a wonderful natural conservativism, and it's a shame the educational industry forces them to mature out of it.

My wife pointed out that she and Lorraine were going to be very busy the whole time, what with workouts and conferences and exhibitions, and that I should only call her in emergencies. I figured the pHisoHex thing qualified. I caught her in the middle of a workout, though. "James," she said, "this really isn't a good time for me to talk." She was panting. It must have been a hard workout. I heard Lorraine's voice in the background. "Tell Lileks what you're doing!" she said. "I- I want to," said my wife, between breaths. "Lorraine, I don't think I can take any more!"

"Put your back into it, honey!" I said. Sometimes she needs a little encouragement. "I'm sure you'll get there!" But then Gnat threw up again, and I had to hang up. It turned out club soda worked just fine on the rug.


[Via Wis[s]e Words]

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3 Responses to “The Bleak”

  1. Gary Farber Says:

    Y'know, this doesn't even remotely begin to sound like Lileks to me. Not one sentence.

    I could expand on why, and how it's wrong, but why bother?

    Lileks on politics mostly pisses me off no end, and I'd be delighted to read a parody of him, whether on politics, or other stuff, but this just isn't remotely a parody of his style, in my opinion. It's something by someone — in my opinion — with no sense of the rhythm of a sentence, who uses some of the nouns Lileks uses. That's all there is.

    But it doesn't sound/read remotely like him. I mean, not even remotely. Not a phrase. Have I said "remotely" enough times?

    A parody that doesn't remotely imitate the way a writer works, well, all that's there, then, is the notion "I want to write a parody of so&so."

    Of course, I didn't think Bored of the Rings worked very well, either, but that was at least funny some of the time.

    Now, George Alec Effinger: he knew how to do pastiche.

  2. Chris Clarke Says:

    Thanks for the link, John.

    I've somehow missed finding your blog until now. Glad to have done so.

  3. Daren Says:

    I have to go with my personal trainer for my exercise.