Shock and Awe

After reading Avatar – The Metacontextual Edition, I’m not sure I need to go and see the film:

WHILE RED-SHIRT AND RIPLEY START POKING THINGS WITH NEEDLES AND DOING BORING “SCIENCE” SHIT THAT EVERYONE KNOWS IS STUPID AND DOESN’T TEACH YOU ANYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE “HEART”, JUGHEAD WANDERS OFF. HE FINDS SOME PLANTS THAT ARE WAY PRETTIER AND DO THINGS WAY COOLER THAN ANY DUMB OLD PLANT ON EARTH WOULD EVER DO. THEN SUDDENLY HE IS FACED WITH A HUGE FOUR LEGGED ANIMAL THAT, LIKE ALL ANIMALS IN THIS ENVIRONMENT, IS RIDICULOUSLY FUCKING AGGRESSIVE

HUGE ASS ANIMAL: RAWR!

RIPLEY: Don’t move! It’s a much more comical interaction if you don’t move!

JUGHEAD: Okay! But I’m going to add a touch of awesome so that I can claim this interaction as my own, and not based on anything you have ever “learned” by your stupid and boring “observations” or “studies”.

JUGHEAD (TO HUGE ASS ANIMAL): RAWR!

HUGE ASS ANIMAL: RAWR!

JUGHEAD: RAWR!

HUGE ASS ANIMAL TURNS AND RUNS

JUGHEAD: Hah, I knew that eventually I would scare it off.

AUDIENCE: This must be one of those moments seen in every movie where he thinks it was him who scared it, but actually when he turns around…

AN EVEN MORE RIDICULOUSLY AGGRESSIVE SPECIES OF ANIMAL SNEAKS UP BEHIND JUGHEAD, COMING OUT INTO THE OPEN, GIVING JUGHEAD PLENTY OF TIME TO REACT, AS OPPOSED TO SIMPLY JUMPING ON HIM STRAIGHT AWAY

AUDIENCE: Ah, there we go.

JUGHEAD: I don’t remember – what did they do in Jurassic Park when there was a situation just like this?

RIPLEY: Never mind that! Run! Run the other way, away from us and all the security protocols we don’t have for this situation because we’ve never had anything like this happen in all the years we’ve been here!

[Via Alyssa Rosenberg]