'Those who love sausage and the scriptures shouldn't watch either of them being made.'

September 15th, 2013

Jim Macdonald leads us on a romp through the story of which books did and didn't make it into the most epic piece of fanfic ever written:

Speaking of tours of Heaven and Hell, there's the Book of Enoch. This is in the Old Testament of the Ethiopian Church, but didn't make it into Athanasius's list. (Since Ethiopia didn't belong to the Empire they didn't care.) Enoch himself gets about one line in Genesis. But it's in the Book of Enoch, all about his adventures after being taken up to Heaven by the angel Uriel and told the secret history that we get the story of the Watcher Angels. Angels, as I'm sure everyone knows, get all turned on when they see human women's hair and they go on and seduce and boink those women. The women then have children who turn out to be man-eating giants (don't you hate when that happens?) Which is where the "giants in the earth" come from in Genesis (right before the story of the Flood). Didn't make the cut because it doesn't include the genealogy of Jesus or any New Testament prophecies but this story, the Book of Enoch, would have been known to Paul and he'd have no way of knowing that it would be left out of orthodox scripture a few centuries later; that's why he admonishes women in church to cover their hair, because angels hang out around churches and you don't want them to pull out the flowers and chocolates, do you?

But every woman praying or prophesying with her head not covered, disgraceth her head: for it is all one as if she were shaven. … Therefore ought the woman to have a power over her head, because of the angels.
1 Corinthians 11:5-10

Enoch inspired the 16th century con artist Edward Kelley, Dr. Dee's running buddy, to come up with the Enochian Alphabet for communicating with angels. (What the angels said was "Edward Kelley should totally boink Mrs. Dee." Dr. Dee was all, "Well, if the angels say so we don't have a choice." What Mrs. Dee thought of this I don't know.)

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