GCU Negotiations Were Short

I realise this is thoroughly immature of me, but I adored Listen, Strange Space Wizards Sitting In Temples Distributing Laser Swords Is No Basis For A System Of Government, a fanfic depicting just how capably Palpatine's Empire would have dealt with Ian M Banks' Culture.

Before the Death Star can begin its campaign of terror against the Rebel Alliance, the attention of the Empire is diverted to the Unknown Regions, where Imperial forces have recently made contact with an irritatingly governed high-tech civilization calling itself the Culture. In response to the Culture's rebuffs of Imperial demands, the dreaded Death Star has been sent to display the Emperor's disapproval and bring this 'Culture' to its knees.

What could possibly go wrong? […]

In the end, the utter lack of respect the Culture shows for the might of a fully operational Death Star is delicious.1

I would imagine that in the aftermath of this encounter the Emperor would have ordered his forces to steer clear of that corner of that galaxy unless and until there was strong evidence that the Culture had finally Sublimed. Watch the borders carefully, just to make sure that nothing surprising sneaks up on the Empire from that direction, but on no account poke that hornet's nest again.

I bookmarked this item last month, having completely failed to notice that the story had multiple chapters. Having drafted this post I was just about to upload it when I noticed that there were another three chapters waiting to be read. I dived into Chapter 2 and read this…

A few minutes later, Aggressive Negotiations, increasingly appalled, finished listening to R4-H6 explaining the plight of droids in the galaxy.

“So, let me get this straight.” said the ship. “Humans discovered that the dumb AIs that they had set up to run their droid servants could develop personalities after they had collected enough experiences, and rather than consider giving droids with personalities rights or altering the designs to avoid developing personalities, they simply instituted a regular regime of erasing their memories? Which has existed for over a millennium?”

… and just knew I was going to love the full experience even more. Sending two drones to break out Princess Leia so she could have a discussion with ROU Aggressive Negotiations about how the Culture could help the Rebel Alliance was as much fun as you'd expect. One of the drones in question getting a look at Lord Vader's powers on the way out and not being terribly concerned was even better. All in all, this story promises much fun to come in future chapters.

[Via Things That Have Caught My Attention #383]

  1. I'll concede that any self-respecting Star Wars fan reading that story would immediately whip up a retort where Palpatine or Vader used the Dark Side to fight back. Like that'd help. All the Culture is really doing here is proving how fragile the Empire's toys are, one might argue, but the bottom line is that the Empire just aren't in the same weight class as the Culture. The Empire still uses planets, for goodness sake! In the end, whoever's universe the story is being written in will tend to decide who wins, but this one does not look good for the Empire.